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SUPER MARIO knows exactally how we do!

Everybody's favorite bum kicks in with his 2 cents (if he has that much) and gives us his views on life. For those of you unfamilliar with the wise ways of Mario let me give you a brief history.

Torn indeed. Torn between his love for the street and his desire to still get mail. While in Montreal, home of the expos, 5 entoxicated college kids walk St. Catherine Street at 2am in serch of knowledge and pootine. We happen to stumble across this great man, full bearded, riding on a rusted chariot with his trusty dog by his side, in a basket of course. We got to talking to Mario and learned he was a pretty cool guy. So cool, we went to the nearest Burger King and bought him a Double Whopper, which he was greatfull for. But that Double Whopper was a small price to pay for the frendship we would all gain. We talked with Mario until 5am about everything there is to know, politics, weed, life on the street, weed, corey hart, and of course weed. Mario's creedo: "I knew I couldnt handle college when I smoked weed for the first time in a dark room with one lit candle listeneing to Guns n' Roses' Use you illusion II. It blew my mind." Wise, wise man. No man is complete without a companion. This man had 3. His trusty dog who we thought was dead because it didnt move much, his rusted chariot, and the 1980's style silver boombox that was tied to the front of his bike. What else do you need? Dave was the only one of us priveledged enough to actually ride his bike, wearing Mario's shades, with the boombox playing Money for nothing and the chicks for free, up St. Catherine street at 4:30am. Priceless. A true friend never leaves your side, and this is true with Mario, for when we awoke the next morning at around 8am, Mario was right outside our hotel waiting to offer us a hearty breakfast of garlic cloves and rotten bananas. And as we left that day, driving down St. Catherine for the last time, who do we see peddling his way up the street? Thats right, Super Mario. Hero among men.

Write to MARIO!!!

Let the man know what you think of him, and send him a buck for christ's sake, he's a BUM!

Pierre Fowds, Que H8Y 3H4

telephone -514-421-2603

These are the teachings of Mario:

How can a homeless man give you a mailing address? Well Mario gave us one. He explaines that his parents live in Montreal and he stops in and picks up the mail that gets delivered there for him. Interesting. When we asked him why he didn't just live with his parents he replied: "I love the streets man, and they're assholes." It's just that simple. I asked him where he sleeps and he said in the woods. That must be a rough life come winter time, but I'm sure he'll manage. Mario also explained to us that if his bike should break, its ok because he's good friends with 80's singer Corey Hart's brother who lives up the road and sells scrap metal and fixes bike. I guess that makes Mario the guy, behind the guy, behind the guy. Oh Mario.

Natural Healing & Body Maintenence

If you really want to be a bum, you have to look the part. You'll never fool somebody into thinking you're poor with your fancy pinstripe pants and monocle. The first thing you need to do is grow a big busshy beard, and if you cant wait or have a baby face, use a fake one for the time being. The beard is the bum's meal ticket. Without it everyone knows hes not really poor. Any man who can afford a clean razor doesnt need to live on the strets. Also acceptable is the uneaven stubble. This suggests a man who's spirit and bank account have been broken recently. The big scraggly beard is preferred however, as it's multi-purpose capabilities prove handy on the streets. Its length makes cold nights not so cold with the body's natural scarf. Also, on days when food is plenty, be sure to leave some scraps in your beard for those hungry nights.

The next important appearence point is manuverability. The way you get around suggests alot about what type of bum you are. Raggety old sneakers with optional holes suggest your a bum who prefers excercise and patience. I however have opted for a faster and lazier form of transport via the use of my bike/3 wheeler. This is also a necessity for me because I travel with my homeless dog, so I'm moving for two.

My dog brings up the final point of appearence, personal flare. Add your own touches to your current ensamble to reflect how you had it in the good old days. The dog is a reflection on my need for companionship. I also have an 80's style boombox so I can keep up on current events. You may want to use such items from your past such as an old winter hat from when you could afford to ski, or a company watch you got before you were laid off, or even the shiney silver keys from your repossessed car. This lets the people know you are special, and mabey special enough for them to give you a quarter.

Part 2: Natural Healing

The earth like cares about us. Thats why it gives us stuff to make us stronger and better. I've discovered many techniques that mother nature gives us to fight off bad stuff. First of which being Garlic. Garlic is a natural healer. It builds up your immune system to fight of street diseases like Scurvey. Why it works so good, I just went to the clinic and aced my Hepititas test! I got two B's and a C! And people said I wasnt good in school. Garlic also is good for defending yourself against natural enemies, in my case rich people. To fend against these foes, simply eat 3 cloves of garlic, and when they tell you to get a job simply talk back to them using lots of words with the letter 'h' in them. And voula! Gone! Also, bananas builds your potassium. And we all know potassium is good for the libido. Seual stamina is key when youre homeless. Now come here doggy!

Gaining THe Upper Hand

Many people ask me, "How can u live feeling like your lower than everyone?" Well its simple really, I don't. And i use a surfire methos to gaining the upper hand. Self confidence is key when begging for change. You gotta make it seem like you dont need their petty cash. So heres what you do:

Every time a penny comes through your hands, stick it up your ass.......and spend it. Now the spending them part is key, otherwise your just sticking pennies up your ass and thats not fun. Now this is kind of a long-term strategy. I've been doin this for 11 years now. Every day for the past 11 years I've stuck thirty dollars in pennies up my ass. I use em for everything, cab rides, movie theater, groceries. Now that's alot of ass pennies I got out there my friend. And here's where the majic comes in, when I meet with someone who intimidates me, who puts me on edge, a real 'hard ass', I just think to myself, they've probably handled one of my ass pennies.In fact, they probably have one in their pocket right then. That gives me the upper hand, I mean I haven't touched anything thats been in their ass. It's just like imagining someone in their underwear.

Feel around in your pocket, or look under your couch cusions. Chances are youve got a few pennies in there. Now for the past 11 years I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass. Thats 3,000 pennies a day, 21,000 pennies a week, 1,092,000 pennies a year. To date thats Twelve million, Twelve Thousand pennies, 8 times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies in your house were in my ass. You handle my ass pennies every day. You pick up my ass pennies for good luck. You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. Now I can laugh at you before you can laugh at me, because your pennies have been in my ass.